How to trust?

Deuteronomy 7:9

 Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations.

One night, I was laying in bed. My mind racing, can’t sleep as the millions of what ifs made itself a habitation in my mind.  Sleepless nights became my reality as I couldn’t seem to find an end to the rollercoaster of emotions that bellowed within me. I closed my eyes and slowly brushed my fingers against the wall next to my bed, praying for a release. The Lord whispered to me, a statement that was like water to my thirsting soul. He said,like the paint that covers the imperfections of this wall, even more so does my love cover yours.”

The past month has been very difficult for me emotionally. I began battling with a moment from my past where I was at my lowest point because of depression. This situation left me broken and fearful of trusting others.

I felt like I was in the middle of a forest with no way out. Tired of frantically trying to find a way out I began to make myself a home in this wilderness. The Lord gave me an ultimatum, stay here and make this place my habitation or live in freedom by laying down the things that I have taken on as my own. These things were the stuff I have been using to build a home in this wilderness. Pride, resentment, anger, etc.

With that God showed me, on a greater level, the pain I was holding on to. God showed me that my entire life I longed for a ‘Safe place’ to rest my heart but didn’t trust people enough to let them in. This fear of trust prevented me from totally letting go and still does… It makes my relationship with God and people who have earned their place in my heart very difficult.

 What do you do when your trust is violated? How do you learn to trust again? How do you give your heart again?

To be honest, I’m not sure. What I do know is that the more my heart is exposed to God the more I find my heart unfolding at the sound of His voice and the beauty of who He is. It’s almost as if He sweetly persuades my soul to take the steps it needs to walk on the waters of His love.  I’m learning what trust actually looks like. What love actually looks like and what total restoration looks like, and that’s okay. With that, I must add, that this season of learning to trust has shown me the beauty of love itself. It has allowed for me to appreciate the persons in my life and the persons who were a part of my life. It has shown me the ways in which God exposed my heart to sides of His love that I had not known.

Through a past romantic relationship: Acceptance of love; Platonic relationships: Genuine & pure love and even through familial relationships: Steadfast and relentless love.

I can’t say that I can freely trust but I can say that I see how love has taken a sledgehammer to the walls that once made up my mansion of fear of trust. It sings to the broken parts of my soul and reminds me that all of the traumatic things I have experienced was not my fault and begs me to question, what do I do with it? Do I use it for the glory of God or do I allow it to imprison me?

My prayer is that you take the time with God to evaluate your heart. I pray that with Him you begin to walk through the memories and pain that has left you crippled and paralyzed. I thank God for His healing over those memories and the past hurts right now in Jesus’ name and that He uses those things as a testimony, through and during the process of healing. I pray that He shows you that He can use all things for good.

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