23 Search me [thoroughly], O God, and know my heart;
Test me and know my anxious thoughts;
24 And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.
For the past couple months I have been wrestling with my emotions. Well, more like lack thereof. I have been very emotionally absent. I have been avoiding going into the depths of my heart, not just with friends or in my relationship, but mostly with God.. Avoiding the inevitable tears as much as possible. I was tired of crying, tired of hurting, tired of feeling.. I found myself reverting to a place of my youth where I would completely shut down to avoid feeling or getting hurt. It became a constant battle of being able to stay afloat while faking how I was really doing emotionally. It was like I was struggling to keep my head above the water. I was struggling because I was watching so many people I love begin to succumb to their situations, others walking away from God… A spiritual daughter of mine struggling with suicide and constantly running away. It was a battle to stay rooted when all I saw around me was pain… I felt helpless. I was tired of helping others when, to be honest, I wasn’t even certain if God was still the same God He “claimed” to be.
Last night, an odd situation presented itself… It took a friend of mine reaching out to see me for me to question why I was avoiding not just people, but God. Truth was, I was believing that God was not really as good as He has proven to be. I started to believe the lie that says He really isn’t my Dad… The type of Dad who loves. The type of Dad whose heart is broken for the very same things mine break for and more. I forgot who He was… Just like the Israelites who forgot that he was the same God that parted the Red Sea and led them out of Egypt…
So.. I brought this feeling before God. I opened my heart up to Him, just honestly sharing my heart with Him, knowing full and well that though He knows what’s on my heart, He loves to hear it from me as well. He’s the same one who loves far deeper than I ever could… The one who gave us the breath of life… I released and continue to release it all to Him knowing, believing, trusting that He is who He says He is. Not just that, but understanding that it is not for me to “fix” people, but for me to love them through their mess. One step at a time. To rely on God for every breath I take, for every step I take; for every decision I make… and knowing that for every soul He uses me to touch, He is faithful to do His part as I do my part to love them and pray them through it. Whatever the outcome, whether it is what I wanted or not, He is good.
The end result does not determine His faithfulness… He is faithful…
To add to that, people make their own decisions and God, who is love, understands that love is not overriding His decision to give us free will. He is not a dictator and most certainly is not interested in holding prisoners… Sometimes the decisions we make result in situations that not only break the hearts of the people around us but God’s as well…
More than my need for air, food, water.. I need You, God. Search me, examine me and address the areas in me that are not a reflection of Your goodness. Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Help me to be more like You. Reveal to me not only my heart, but Your heart for me. Help me to see myself for who I truly am and who You created me to be. Create in me a clean heart…. Draw me into a place of deeper intimacy with You. My choice is to follow You. With all of my being, I seek to follow You… What I ask in return is that if I begin to stray, even if just a bit, draw me back into Your loving embrace.