Isaiah 40:28-31

28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
29 He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
30 Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

I have been camping in Isaiah 40:28-31 for the past couple weeks and every time I read it, it continues to wreck me. One day, after a couple weeks of a nasty PTSD episode, I  wrestled with God about my mental health. I spent some time really pouring my heart out to Him and letting Him know I felt as if I was fighting for my life and that I felt like I didn’t want to do life anymore (Not in a suicidal way, mostly because of weariness. I just wanted to finally be at a place of rest). Then for the first time in a long time, I felt like I finally got it. He was beckoning me to not choose the fear of pain but for me to choose to believe He is, in fact, El Roi “The God who sees me”.

I will never contest that God can heal any issue in a moment, but sometimes, He chooses to heal over an extended period of time. He removes each layer of pain and trauma one by one as He breathes new-life, all while drawing our hearts into a deeper place of intimacy with Him. With every layer, He reveals a part of His character and nature that we have never encountered before. For me, He has been revealing that He is consistent and never changing. He is a Good Father, one that has grieved and continues to grieve the things I have endured in my life along with me. He is calling me like a child to be filled with wonder and seek out the mysteries of Him. He is calling me to let go of what the world and in some instances the church has taught me about His love. He wants me to press into the truth of what His word says about the way He loves, all while He heals my heart and mind. He is re-writing what love looks like to me. To unveil a love that even in my resistance, never fails to show up. He truly is consistent, in word and love, and as someone who was abused more times than my hands can count, sometimes the idea of unconditional love and consistency feels like a childish fantasy… a delusion.

I am grateful that God is not afraid of our pain, nor is He ashamed of our process of healing. Often times, healing can be grotesque but I love that Jesus is never put off by that. He so longs to re-write the narrative of love for us, we just have to be willing to journey with Him and choose to lay our walls down, despite how uncomfortable we feel.

Beloved my prayer is that you choose to press in and invite God to breathe His redemptive life into the broken areas of your heart. He is not afraid nor is He ashamed of you. He so longs to reveal Himself to you all while healing your heart and life. Be at peace in knowing that you are not alone. He is the God that does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Rest in Him knowing that He sees you and you will never be alone.